Resident Evil Noooch Complete
by Jay
Summary: Jay and Silent Bob meet up with Jill in Racoon City


RESIDENT EVIL NOOOOOCH!  
  
  
  
"We are going BACK to Jersey!!" Jay screamed! Silent Bob shook his head. "No we are going to Raccoon City" he   
said "When the fuck did you start talking to much?!?"   
Jay was not in a good mood he's just been involved with some mother fucking angels who want to destroy the universe, naked   
guys falling from the sky, and he didn't even get fucked! Now all he wanted to do was go home and sell some fucking weed!   
But no, that tubby bitch wanted to go to some rat-ass town in the middle of fucking nowhere!  
"Why the hell do you want to go there any way!?!" Jay asked Silent Bob shrugged "The force is strong in that place..."   
"WHY THE FUCK DO YOU KEEP FUCKING TALKING ALL JEDI AND SHIT IF YOU DON'T STOP-" Silent Bob   
put his finger to his lips. "I am a jedi like my father before me...." Bob said calmly "YOUR FATHER CLEANED TOILETS!"   
***  
  
Jill Valentine was running for her life. The entire town over run by zombies?!?! Umbrella had gone was to far this time! She   
wished to god she still had her rocket launcher or at least a shotgun. But all she had was a Bretta and a hunting knife. And the   
smell! The entire town smelled like someone took a shit and a piss, pored sour milk in the toilet, and then put rotten meat and   
let it sit for a couple months.  
A zombie came at her, this one was almost completely intact except for the fact it's intestese was hanging out! One clean head   
shot took it down freeing the way for her to run past two others. She was trying to save her ammo she only had 50-somthing   
left.   
"Shit!" Two of those monstrous dogs were running at her she took one out while he was running then, jumping onto the hood   
of a car to avoid the other. She took that one out just as he saw a car pull up.  
***  
Jay was turning heads at the crowed bus station. They had traveled back to Illinois with god's cousin or some shit.   
Now they or at least Jay wanted to go home he wanted to see TS, Brody, Dantae, Randal, Rick, Bankey, and even that bitch   
Assisa Jones!!   
Silent Bob pushed him into the bus that would take them a town over from Raccoon,   
from there they would have to find a ride.   
"I can't fucking believe I'm doing this!" Jay screamed. Silent Bob reached into his coat and pulled out a copy of Legs n'   
Boobs magazine. Jay shut up and began to read, well not really read...  
***  
Silent Bob was really getting tired of Jay, he was getting on his nerves more that usual, couple that with having to leave   
Bethany not to mention the strange tip he's gotten from that guy what was his name.... Tom, Tex, Timmy, Trent, Tony well, that   
didn't matter. He pulled out the piece of paper the man had given him...  
North side Where house 10:35 pm/Key in Room/Danger Free/Can't Stay Forever  
What the hell was going on..  
They finally arrived and got a ride to Raccoon. Silent Bob noticed it smelled worse than the bathroom at the Quickstop and Jay   
combined! And there was no one here. NO ONE! Wait there was someone, apparently running from something, they should   
go help them Silent Bob had convinced Jay to save women at night in hoped of getting "fucked" but of coarse Bob just did it   
for the good deed.   
Bob hit Jay and pointed to the person who now seemed to be a woman possibly 20 or younger he was very attractive. But   
Bob didn't care about that  
she was in trouble. "Shit she's hot you think she's fuck me?" Bob nodded and began to get out of the back seat.   
"What about my 20 bucks?!? the driver asked Bob, He threw the porno mag at him he seemed content enough and drove   
away.   
***  
Jill was running as fast as he could. Witch was pretty fast be non the less she was winded. In the distance she could see two   
men not Zombies coming to her one was wearing a trench coat and the other was wearing a T-shirt right behind him a Zombie   
was coming he didn't see it. Shit, she thought Now i got to save those assholes...   
SHe amid her gun right at the skinny one and simply said: "Duck,"  
"Fucking Shit She's fucking crazy!" the man no older than 25 yelled. The bigger one got the hint and jumped on knocking him   
down just in time.  
She got the zombie with a clean head shot.  
"WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT !?! WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!?! WHY THE FUCK DID YOU KNOCK   
ME DOWN?!? OH MY FUCKING GOD WHAT IS THAT ?!?!" then he fainted.  
  
  
Jay woke up in a old whearhouse with a hot chick, "Fuckin' Hey! Heven Kicks Ass!!" He turned and saw that tubby bitch Silent Bob. Shit, he thought he had to die too!   
"What the hell is going on?!?" Jay yelled "I'll explain but we have to get out of here!" the chick said "I just lost my duater out there," some old fat guy yelled Jay hadn't noticed before. "How dare you tell me to go back out there!"   
Silent Bob walked over and gave her a piece of paper. She looked at it then gave him a glance "Where'd you get this?" she asked "Gome guy gave it to me," he said Jay was really fed up with all the fucking talking he's been doing lately. "At the bus stop. He said his name was Tom, or-" "Trent?" she asked   
Just then the man ran to some truck and locked himself in. "Hey take me with ya you fat fuck!!?"  
"Hold on" Silent Bob said He ran up the steps and into an ofice.   
"So, there's no chance you'd fuck me?" She simply walked away to find chubs.   
"I'll take that as a maby!?!"  
***  
Silent Bob ran up to the air-conditoned office there was the key, therer was a type-writher probly used to type reports, or some-shit. Get a fucking PC, he thought.   
There was also a old chest, he opend it to find tow hand guns, a shotgun, a colt,  
and some big-ass thing, there was alos a genarus amount of ammo. Just then the door opend he spun around. It was just that girl.  
"Hi,"  
"Check this shit out..." he said showing her the trunk. She smiled an hevenly smile cocking the shotgun. Just then Jay came up the satirs. "OK WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON..AHHH SHIT!! he said as the girl aimed the shotgun at him. "Ok shut up who are you guys?" "I'm Jay that tubby bitch is Silent Bob, Why the hell do they call you Silent Bob anyaway?" "I'm Jill Valentine." We have to get out of here.  
They didvided up all the wepons, Silent Bob getting the colt, and a handgun, Jill getting the big ass gun (witch turned out to be a bazooka) and the shotgun, Jay getting a handgun with one mazizine. "What the fuck is this shit."  
"Let"s go..." Jill said   
  
After some resistance from Jay (No FUCKING WAY I AN'T FUCKING GOING OUT THERE) they set out to   
find a way to get out by now there were road-blocks were set up and they were shooting anything   
that moved living or dead.   
***  
They walked along a way Jay totally freaking out when they saw a Zombie but who fucking   
wouldn't the way all those god-damed things run around gut's all hanging out and all....EWWWW.   
Jay hated that shit he'd have nightmares for years.   
After a while they passed a bar. "Dude, We're going in there." Jay said  
"Fine," Jill said "If it will shut you up." "Nothing does" Silent Bob They walked into the bar a   
man was in there. "Brad," Jill said "Is that you?" "It's after us! It...it will kill us!!" he yelled   
"God is everyone in this town either dead or crazy!?!?" Jay yelled "It would seem so." Silent   
Bob said not taking his eyes off 'Brad'. "It's after stars!" then he ran out.   
Jay still had all his ammo. He wanted to wait till he REALLY needed them. As they walked   
out the bar (there was no booze) they found a couple dropped Zombies. Brad must of taken then out. "We should go to the   
police station." Jill said No one has any objections so the set out.  
***  
Jill was really getting sick of Jay be was a stupid, dirty-mouthed, perverted, pot head!  
  
BOOOM  
BOOOM  
  
The giant's footsteps echoing still through Jill's head.   
  
They were now inside the R.P.D. building. going through a hallway.   
Jay was still freaking out.  
"Fucking god-damned thing fucking almost killing me   
god-damn it." he was saying under his breath. Bob had stayed   
quite sense, keeping his head down  
as if not believing it at all.   
A deep breathing and clicking sound broke the silence.   
"What was..." Jill said   
A echoing scream rang out.   
BOOM. Bob shot and missed the thing was now on top of   
him it's long slimy tongue perching through his neck. Bob was no more.  
"NOOOOOOOOO!" Jay yelled  
***  
  
Jay woke up. "What is going on?" Jay asked they were on a   
bus going back to New Jersey. "I had the most fucked up dream." Jay  
said to Silent Bob nodded. He didn't talk thank god. The driver came   
over the bus's intercom  
"NEXT STOP RACCOON CITY..."  
"Noooooo!" Jay yelled "No," the driver said "I'm Sorry New Jersy I  
read it wrong my bad...."   
  
If you have any ideas or comments for my next Jay and Silent Bob  
adventure put it in a review.  
thanks for reading  
Jay 


End file.
